Odds and Ends From Potterland
by As Seen On TV
Summary: Sure, we've all read the Harry Potter books. But is that really all that happens? Of course not!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **Harry Potter and his world does not now or ever will belong to me, it's all J.K. Rowling's.

**WARNINGS: **Yes, there is SLASH! The best kind! - Sirius/Remus. Oh and Sirius is freed/alive along with James, Lily and Dumbledore. Savvy? Life's too short to keep a closed mind.

**Summary: **Short, little segments of daily life in Potter-Land. (Spoilers abound!)

Harry Potter and What Really Goes Down

Chapter 1 – What Would You Do-oo-oo For A Snickers Bar?

Severus Snape was currently rummaging around his pockets for seventy-five cents to put into the vending machine which would in turn give him the Snickers Bar he was craving.

"Oh, come on," Severus sighed frustrated-ly. "I know I have money. I don't jingle for no reason."

Just then, the cheerful nature of the bowling alley (Don't ask.) went suddenly dark and dreary and full of despair. The Muggles, noticed and looked around a bit of course, but other than that did not care. They were far to into bowling. Severus, however, paid no heed of acknowledgment whatsoever and continued searching his pockets for seventy-five cents.

"Ah-ha! A quarter!" Severus exclaimed upon finding his first of three quarters.

The cold, hard feeling of despair came closer and closer towards Severus. It was so horrid that as the shadow of black passed, the lights went out only to leave the bowling alley in pitch black except for where it was currently walking up behind Severus. It was now right behind Severus annnd -

"Hi, Voldemort."

"Oh. How'd you know it was me?"

"Who else gives off the feeling of despair and makes the lights go out while walking past them?"

"Eh.. Good point."

"So.. What do you want?" Severus asked while successfully finding another quarter and then continuing to search for the final one.

"Well, now that you are out of Hogwarts.. I was wondering.." Voldemort got down on one knee and pulled a small black box out of his robe pocket.

Severus' eyes widened in horror.

"Will you.. Will you.. Join my legion of Death Eaters?" Voldemort then proceeded to open the small black box which showed to have a stick-on tattoo of a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth.

"What's in it for me?"

"Oh, you know, the usual," Voldemort shrugged, standing up once again. "Power, money, that warm, fuzzy feeling you get while attacking the weaker."

"Eh. I could do that on my own if I really had the desire."

"But, you see, if you join the Death Eaters you have others like yourself to socialize with. And I even planned a vacation for the club to Hawaii at the end of this month!"

"Who else joined?"

Voldemort pulled out his electronic organizer. "Let's see. Avery, Nott, Crabbe, Goyle, my ex-girlfriend - Sarah, Malfoy, the Lestrange's and I even tried to get the Weasley's. Molly just ended up throwing soapy pots and pans at me. I had to run like hell because, wow, that woman has good aim."

"You have an electronic organizer?"

"Hey, you have to organized if you want to take over the world."

"I see."

"Oh, come on, man! You know you want to join," Voldemort said waving the stick-on tattoo in front of Severus' face.

"Fine. Lend me a quarter and you've got a deal."

"Deal."

_And so on that day, Severus Snape got his Snickers Bar and Voldemort got a new Death Eater._

"Real nice way to end that entry in your diary, Voldemort."

"I thought so."


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: **See first chapter.

Harry Potter and What Really Goes Down

**Chapter 2 – A Surprise For The Potters and Friends**

Voldemort laughed. Evilly. That's just how EVIL overlords work. "So everyone understands the plan right?"

"Not especially," Bellatrix said, scratching at her head in confusion.

"No one understands me. I'm so misunderstood. And surrounded by idiots. But that's not the point. Anyway, the plan is that we find a dog. We make it poop. We put the poop in the bag. Someone takes the bag up to the doorstep and sets it on fire. Then Potter will answer. He will step on the bag to put the fire out and unknowingly get dog poop all over his shoe."

"Did you know that you just said 'poop?'"

"Yes. And?"

"Dark Lords and the word 'poop?'"

"Nobody asked your opinion Malfoy. Silence! Now we need a conveniently placed dog for this plan to work."

"There's a conveniently placed dog!" someone shouted and pointed across the street.

--Five minutes later.--

"Do you honestly expect me to do this?" Snape asked, annoyed at the whole idea.

"Well, who else is going to do it?" Voldemort asked. "Besides that, I thought you didn't even like Potter."

"I don't," Snape agreed. "That's why I want to KILL him, not annoy him."

"It's the same general idea. Just do it."

"No. Make Wormtail do it. Potter doesn't know he's a traitor and would just think it's a prank."

Voldemort sat silently and appeared to be deep in thought before shrieking with delight and thusly Lucius to shriek.. with terror. Everyone ignored Lucius.

"What now, My Lord?" Snape asked.

"I've just had the most BRILLIANT idea. It's almost as if someone had just _whispered_ it in my ear."

"And that would be..?"

"I shall make Wormtail go. Potter doesn't know he's a traitor and would just think it's a prank. I am a genius."

"Didn't Snape say - "

"_Crucio._ Now go, Wormtail."

"But.. but.."

"Don't make me _Crucio _your ass, too."

Peter shrieked a small squeaky sound and darted up towards the front door.. slowly.

"Come on, Wormtail!" a few of the Death Eaters hissed. For they were hidden behind some of the various shrubbery around the Potters house and if the cops had decided to drive by, they were screwed. Grown-ups hiding behind small bushes that did NOT hide them and wearing costumes.. Now how would you begin to explain that?

Peter set the bag on the doorstep and quickly lit it on fire before ringing the door-bell and running like hell to get back behind the not-able-to-hide-anyone shrubbery.

--Inside the house and two minutes ago--

We are to find the The Potters, just Lily and James mind you, and Sirius and Remus and Lakyn (Lily's best friend, of course.) playing The Couples Game. (Well, Lakyn was the announcer/score keeper/question asker for the game.)

"Okay, Sirius name Remus' favourite.. sexual position to get five points and win The Couples Game."

"Nice. I can't wait to hear this one," James commented, grinning.

"You have to answer that one for Lily next, James," Lakyn said grinning as well.

"Okay, Moony's favourite sexual position isss - "

The door-bell rang.

"Damn," James cursed. "Well, I'll go get that."

James opened the door and was greeted by the sight of a burning.. thing.

James uttered a spell and water shot out of his wand and proceeded to put the fire out.

"Who was it, dear?" Lily called from the living room.

"Someone tried the 'ol Crap-In-A-Bag-On-Fire trick."

"Oh, hey!" Sirius called out. "Didn't we do that in - "

"Hush, Padfoot!.. Hey! Who's that hiding very badly in the bushes in the front yard!"

Voldemort stood up and shook his fist. "I am Voldemort. Fear me. Feeeeear me!"

The Death Eaters popped up, shouted, "Huzzah!" and then they all Apperated back to the non-existent Evil (Yes, with a capital E.) head quarters.

--Behind the bushes right after James put the fire out with magic--

"Damn. Maybe we should keep magic in mind next time we try Muggle tricks."


End file.
